there have been times where i walk into a room, and i get the feeling that people have been talking about me because they stop talking all of a sudden, or i tell a joke and no one laughs and there is that awkward pause. sometimes, the same thing happens when i talk to other people about God: i say something about Him, or what the Bible says, and there is an awkward moment, or the sentence is ignored all together and the subject is changed. why is that? why are so many people today ignoring God? is it because they're afraid that they'll have to give something up? or perhaps they just can't get their minds around the idea that God even exists; maybe they just don't "buy into that religion thing." when i think about God, i try to think about the big picture: that he loves me more than anyone ever has or does or ever will; that he wants me to be with him forever and to worship and love him and to love my christian family as well; that he put me on this earth for a purpose, one which was known waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay before i even came into existence. yes, following Christ is going to cost something. there is a sacrifice involved. for me, in some cases, it has cost me friends, i've had to endure gossip, and there are things i don't take part of (like drinking or cursing or choosing to only go to church on "special occassions") because i know what the Bible says about things like that, and regardless what anyone else says, the Bible is the rule book (although God is the final authority).

what about people who can't get their minds around the existence of God? i mean, honestly, what do you say to someone who says "i don't believe in God?" i feel that i've come a long way on my personal spiritual journey, but i still have far yet to go, and that's one of the things i know i'll learn along the way. it baffles me, though, when i come across these people. i've just seen too much in my life to completely deny the existence of God. i've changed too much, and i've had my prayers answered too often, and i've seen other people changed and heard too many testimonies and witnesses to NOT believe. and then i think to myself about the people i've come in contact with over the years, the situations i've been put into, and how none of them are by accident (because there are no such things as coincidences). and i wonder about some of the people that i have been friends with or that i am friends with now or people i work with, and i think to myself that i could very well be the only christian they come in contact with who will tell them about Jesus. i feel such a responsibility and a burden to make the most of the situations i'm put in. why didn't i feel this way before? well, i can't speak or think for God, but it just wasn't time yet. i had to reach a certain level of spiritual maturity first. but i do now feel the urge to spread the word to everyone i know. and the thing i have working against me is that i absolutely HATE the thought of losing any of my friends or even good acquaintances or falling out of favor with people i work with. but we're talking about SOULS here. this world will pass away, and all that will be left is your relationship with Christ Jesus. eternity is a really really really really really really really really really really really .....long time, and i would hate to see someone die before they received Christ and spend THAT LONG in the lake of fire. (tip: if you want to know more about the lake of fire, read the book of Revelations in the Bible.) how do i know this is what the outcome will be? the Book. it's all right there. where does it say that, you ask? plenty of places, but here's one example: Romans 3:21-25 says, "But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood." in addition, Matthew 13:37-43 says, "He answered, 'The one who sowed the good seed is the Son of Man. The field is the world, and the good seed stands for the sons of the kingdom. The weeds are the sons of the evil one, and the enemy who sows them is the devil. The harvest is the end of the age, and the harvesters are angels. As the weeds are pulled up and burned in the fire, so it will be at the end of the age. The Son of Man will send out his angels, and they will weed out of his kingdom everything that causes sin and all who do evil. They will throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Then the righteous will shine like the sun in the kingdom of their Father. He who has ears, let him hear.'" i believe these two verses are pretty self-explanatory. the first, in Romans, is about salvation. the second deals with Jesus' explanation of his parable of the weeds. throughout the gospels, Jesus tells several parables, or stories that illustrate certain things he wants us to learn from. very seldom, however, does he take the time to actually explain them, so i figure this one must be very important. and indeed it is. the message is clear: the ONLY way to have eternal life is to put your trust in Christ. there is NO OTHER WAY!!! a lot of people think by "being good" they can win their way into heaven. let me tell you, that is a lie straight from the pit! the Bible says that our goodness is as filthy rags before God, meaning that we cannot stand before God on that Day without the blood of Jesus Christ covering us.

so, as my devotional says at the end of every chapter, "what are you going to do about it?"

Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: "new direction" ~new direction

i am sooooooo tired! i'm tired, and i feel horribly fat. why am i not losing any weight? my trainer says that if i'm to lose ten pounds by the end of november, i need to lose about 2.5 pounds a week, 5 pounds every 2 weeks, and so forth. well, i started on monday of this week; i cut back most of my junk (allowing myself a few treats this week--small servings, though, and sparing), amped up my cardio (i now do 40-45 minutes and burn over 250 calories per session), and intensified my weigh training. i still feel fat though. well, it's only been three days, and i'm praying this weekend, i will behave myself and start seeing some results by next week. but besides the fatness, there's my face. i don't know why i'm getting all these breakouts, it's horrible! i've never had this problem before. my mom told me that when she reached her twenties, she had a bad case of acne that didn't clear up until she was almost 30. is that what i have to look forward to? ten years of acne? oh, the horror!

you know, i could go on and on and on with this list, saying all the things that i think are wrong with me, and wrong with my coworkers, and wrong with my parents, and wrong with my friends, and wrong with the world in general. because there are so many things wrong.

but then i think about God and how he's blessed me with so many gifts, and how i want to use those gifts to bring glory to His kingdom. and i think about Jesus, and how he died for me (oh! he died for me? sometimes the thought of such a selfless, giving act is so overwhelming that i can hardly breathe!) and offered me the gift of eternal life through salvation. i can't even wrap my mind about it. so who am i to condemn myself when i have been lifted in the eyes of God himself and washed clean and white as snow in the blood of Jesus Christ? ("amazing grace, how sweet the sound/that saved a wretch like me/i once was lost, but now am found/was blind but now i see") sometimes, right before i go to sleep at night, i lay awake, thinking about God and how i'm going to get to meet Him personally one day, and it literally (literally!) takes my breath away. but before that day, i know He sent me here for a purpose; he called me by name from my mother's womb to do His work. and i'm feeling this deep urge to tell people about God and to witness to His Glory. At work, it's all i can do to keep my mouth shut. it's really hard, b/c all the people i work with are older white males, who are set in their ways and the like, and spreading the Good News to them seems such a daunting task. (not only that, but it's "against company policy"---preaching at work is considered a form of harrassment.) but as christians, we should be willing to risk any and all things in the name of Jesus, and i am. if God tells me to stand on my desk in the middle of lunch and preach The Word, then that's what i'm going to do. but for now i'll settle for using my livejouranl as my sounding board.

so who was Jesus? he was both fully man and fully God, sent to earth by God as the perfect sacrifice for all mankind's sins. his sacrifice once and for all reduced everyone's sins to nothing. we were dead in our sins, but by the blood of Christ, we have the gift of salvation; we are saved by God's grace through our faith.

why did God send His son? john 3:16 says, "for God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." He loves us so much that he sent his son to die for our sins! (that totally blows my mind, but i know it's true.)

what is sin? sin is a dangerous, treacherous act or thought that defies God and his Word. for instance, some well-known sins include adultery, theft, murder, and hatred. some not-so-obvious sins are greed, homosexuality, rebellion, cursing, and deifying anything or any entity other than the One True God. why are these all sins? well, perhaps i will talk about that tomorrow. right now, it's time for dinner!

Current Mood: content
Current Music: "amazing grace"

when katrina hit the gulf coast and then made its way up the eastern shore, i was annoyed because of the rain. as the week progressed, i became more annoyed because every network channel, radio station, and news website in america was constantly reporting on the effects of katrina; it seemed as if that was the only thing they talked about for days on end. but as the one week turned into the next, i began to see the situation for what it truly is: a horrible, devastating event that has turned nightmare into reality. since this slow realization, i've begun a slow burn, from deep sadness, to frustration, to anger. sadness for the people who died and were injured, and the thousdands of displaced citizens of louisiana and mississippi. frustration from the knowledge that there's only so much i can do, and no matter what i do, it won't be enough. anger in regards to the bureaucracy, red tape, and other such political nonsense that is delaying the delivery of much-needed goods to the evacuees. so what can i do? well, there's nothing i can really do to combat the sadness except to feel it. my mom and i were going to donate money to the red cross, but my dad informed me that one of his friends (mr. john, who also happens to work for nga) and one of his coworkers are renting a truck (as in something like a u-haul or other equipment moving vehicle), loading it up, and heading to the gulf coast next weekend to deliver goods to people who were overlooked or haven't yet received help. my mother and i are going to go out and buy stuff, like bottled water, baby wipes, diapers, etc., and send down there with mr. john. even though it's not enough, i feel good being able to do something.

and what of politics? i never had much use for it myself. it just seems to mess everything up, especially when you have a doody-head for a president. but this is no ordinary garden-variety idiot; i think God made him special. i'm sure everyone's aware (or maybe not) of the whole rich-white-man-vs-poor-black-man issue. the blacks (not just poor ones) are saying that bush doesn't care about black people. my mother and i had a long talk about this yesterday. she said it's not that he doesn't care, it's just that he's indifferent. president bush grew up privileged; he never had to worry about money, never knew what it was like to have to live paycheck to paycheck like a lot of the katrina victims had to do. (i say had because a lot of them are out of jobs right now and are therefore getting no paycheck.) there is a saying: "ignorance isn't bliss; it's a deadly sin that rips the fabric of life." (who said it? if you guess correctly, you get a cookie!) kanye west made a comment earlier this week denouncing bush (saying that he didn't care...) and whatever segment that statement was part of was supposed to be aired tonight (or was it last night?) however, since it was on tape, they (the media) decided to edit it out. censorship! why? because he expressed an opinion contrary popular opinion? (although, truth be told, president bush's popularity is steadily waning.) it's not right. aren't "we" fighting for the same freedoms for the iraqi people? yet here we are, in a country that has celerated freedom for over 200 years, and someone can't express an opinion because someone else might not like it? mm-hmm. yet barbara bush can say that the hurricane victims are better off now than they were before because they were underprivileged. hmm... (yeah, i was really upset when i heard that on the radio this morning.) and then there's the whole thing about the director of fema. this is what it boils down to: he had information before the hurricane hit, he could have had people in place before that time, he didn't, and after the devastation of the gulf coast, there were further delays before people started receiving aid. my dad told me he'd put money on the man getting fired. i said, yeah right! president bush said he'd fire whoever exposed that cia agent, and did he fire rove? heck no! is he going to fire mr. director? highly unlikely, although daddy informed me today that he's been taken off the katrina project and sent back to washington.

something else that has been weighing on me lately. i feel this pressing need to spread The Word to people, beginning with those closest to me. that would mean my family first. i've been reading the book of ezekial in the Bible, and what's fascinating about this particular prophet is that God told him that he was going to destroy judah because of its wickedness and unrepentence. the fascinating part is that God told ezekial to do very specific things to demonstrate to the people of judah what was going to happen to them. for instance, God told ezekial to lie on one side of his body in the street for exactly "x" number of days and then to switch sides, lying on the other for the same amount of days. he was to have only one meal a day, approximately 8 ounces, and it was to consist of meat and something else. (details are fuzzy, for it's a rather long book.) and he did it! i thought it was remarkable, the amount of obedience he demonstrated! if God asked me to do that, would i? i was also reading a bit in ephesians last night in my study Bible, about light and darkness (chapter five) and how darkness doesn't understand darkness and light puts out darkness and how we as christians must bring things done in the dark to light, exposing them for what they really are, because if we don't, it's as if we approve of these things. that really struck me because i know about some things going on, things i've known about for a few years at least, but have probably been going on longer. things that i have kept quiet about up until now. i can't anymore. and i am scared to death, but i know something has to be said before anymore damage is done. God has put this on my heart and i've been praying for clarity just to be sure that this is truly from God and not from the evil one. (oh! the devil is a liar!) but i've been trying really hard to stick to my daily reading/meditation and i feel confident about what i have to do next.

with that said, it's time for my Bible study. good night!

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: *fly like a bird* ~mariah carey

...is because i've been spending time reconnecting with God. that may sound lame to some people, but i really don't care, in that sense. i have recently felt led to re-read the entire left behind series, and it's like i'm reading it for the first time again! i'm picking up so many more details than i did the first time. i think it's because i'm more spiritually mature than when i read the series the first time. when did i start reading it again? i believe i started on friday with the first book, and i'm almost done with the second (and we're talking about 400+ pages a pop here). it's just so compelling! i feel like i should start digging deeper into my Bible reading too. i mean, i have a regular Bible (new international version) and a study Bible (again, new international version), but i also want the rainbow study Bible, which would make studying it even easier, and i want to start reading some Bible commentaries as well. become a true student of the Word.

so, what's the big deal? it's simple--and complicated: i'm being called to evangelism. more and more i'm feeling as if i can't keep the Truth to myself; that i have to share it with others. i think God put me in a pretty good position to do so: i have contact with people of various backgrounds, from all walks of life, and i like socializing and learning about different people. however, i know that "ministering" to people in my field--science--is going to be beyond difficult. i have already experienced some--for lack of a better word--backlash whenever the words "religion" or "God" are even mentioned. not that anyone's ever gotten nasty with me or anything, but people can be forceful w/o being nasty. but the Bible says that christians, especially those trying to lead others to Christ, will be verbally and sometimes physically abused; they will be ridiculed, scoffed, rebuffed, called names, etc. there is a price for following Christ, and i am more than willing to pay it. after everything he's done for me, how can i not?

i could talk all night about Jesus and his goodness, but the demands of the world are pressing. i have to go wash my car b/4 it gets too late! :-)

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: "silver and gold"